A HARD CHOICE: Moving a loved one to assisted living is a difficult decision. But Guilt shouldn’t be a factor in your choice.

One of the hardest decisions a home caregiver can make is that of moving a loved-one to an assisted living, memory care or skilled nursing facility. Sadly, as our population ages, more of us will be faced with making these critical care choices. Every day in the United States, 10,000 baby boomers turn 65; according to AARP, the number of older adults will more than double over the next several decades. In Sonoma County, 28% of residents are age 60+, making Sonoma County’s population the second oldest in the Bay Area.

The hard decision about housing typically comes when a loved one is no longer safe to live on their own and we cannot provide the round-the-clock care they need. We all have limits to our caregiving ability, and guilty feelings are a normal reaction to our changing roles and loss of control. It’s important to remember that you cannot control your loved one’s health or diseases; you can only do what is best for them and your situation.

Guilt is a hardwired emotion between a parent and child — especially in the face of sometimes tricky family dynamics. Moving a loved one is a serious decision and guilty feelings are a normal part of the process — but feeling guilty does not mean you’ve failed or broken a promise to your loved one.

Overcome your guilt

Allow your feelings and know that you’re not alone. Giving care 24/7 is emotionally and physically draining. Acknowledge that your loved one would not want you to jeopardize your own health or wellbeing by taking care of them. There are times when professional assistance is best for everyone. Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, try focusing on how this decision will benefit both you and your charge.

Seek others who will understand and can help you cope. Reach out for support from care groups, doctors and others who have gone through this process. Look for a residents’ family support group within the community you’ve chosen or contact local organizations such as the Redwood Caregiver Resource Center or local chapters of the Council on Aging or the Alzheimer’s Association. Know that guilt will lessen over time.

Sometimes after your loved one has relocated, you may feel guilty for feeling some relief. But consider the positives of placing your loved one in a senior community. They will likely benefit from the structure and stimulation of nursing home activities and a daily routine in an accepting and understanding environment. This placement gives your loved one the opportunity to socialize with other people who are in similar stages of aging.

Many seniors gain weight, and their physical and mental health improve when they have fresh cooked meals, medications on time, attentive physical care and opportunities to engage in activities such as music, art, exercise and games. In many cases, fellow residents are eager to include new people in the social aspect of group living. Group activities evoke feelings of camaraderie and human connection, which are necessary for well-being.    

It may also help to learn more about your loved one’s condition and how it will progress. Talk with their doctor about how to manage their decline and what you can do to facilitate their well-being in their new surroundings.

Finally, it’s vital to establish boundaries with those who may want to judge your decision. They have not walked in your shoes and should not be allowed to second-guess the choices you have made to keep your loved one safe and cared for. Don’t let others assign guilt to you.

Facilitating the transition

If possible, set up your loved one's room to mimic the layout and furniture of their former home. Hang photos and bring photo albums. To the best of your ability, ensure their care plan keeps their routines the same as before moving. This could mean the newspaper is delivered each morning or retaining a certain shower time. 

Make a framed document with “The Five Most Important Things to Know” about your loved one to help the staff have meaningful conversations with them. To this same end, create a magnetic legacy photo board so your loved ones can take each one down to hold them up close or show others (if necessary, seal the photos in plastic to help preserve them). When you visit, ask meaningful questions and record a little of their history for the staff and next generation to learn.

Take the time to acknowledge and appreciate that you are doing the best you can and deserve to have a life and relationships outside of caregiving. In many cases, relationships improve when you return to being a family member first and caregiver second. You will still oversee your loved one’s care, but the day-to-day stresses and responsibilities will be shared with a full support team.

Jet Howell is founder of Jet’s Senior Living Placement Solutions, which offers free senior placement services to families in Sonoma County and Northern California who need assisted living or memory care for a loved one. Since 2015, she has been helping seniors and their families choose senior living solutions — saving time, money and heartache. Howell is passionate about helping seniors find the right community, scheduling and taking part in tours, and helping navigate the contract process and move-in day transition. www.jetsseniorliving.com (707) 495-9385